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7: The Battle by Celita

As a follow up to this week's episode here are the show notes and the words to my poem "The Battle". This is the third poem in my Recovery series.

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The Battle

Let me tell you about my personal equinox

There is a day and night

A dark and a light

That live simultaneously in my life

It’s hard to believe, that me

The one serving actively in ministry

Could be

The same she that trips constantly

Not having the discipline necessary

To keep my body away from the sin that kills me

My dichotomy

On the one hand you can’t stand but praise me

I’m consistent in my duties

Performing them faithfully

When you need me I’m there

I never miss a beat

But behind the scenes

I’m dealing, trying to find healing

For my blackness inwardly

I’m crying

And praying constantly

Looking for the cure

But it seems that the more I cry

The more I find

That the thing I should be running from

Is the thing I’m running towards

My soul is torn

Between serving God or myself

Do I do what pleases Him

Or what pleases someone else?

Is there no help?!?!?

It’s been a lifelong battle

And I’m not sure when it’s going to end

I’m good for a little while

But I hear a song

See the wrong film

Get hurt by a friend

And it all starts again

I’m afraid of my own skin

Feeling like it leads me to sin

Father I’m drowning

It’s knee deep and rising

I’m seeped in!

Could this be?

No Monie

She seemed so plugged in and lovely

But don’t be deceived by appearances

We’re all dealing with something

Mine is just…real ugly

I feel like that brother Paul

I know the law

But I just can’t keep it

The moment I pick it up

I break it

I can fake it before you

But I can’t fake it before God

My body wants to do right

It’s just so very hard

I decide to live one way

But then I act another doing things I despise

I try to live holy

But what is unclean

At certain points, seems more appealing to my eyes

I can’t be trusted to figure out

What’s best for myself

I can will it, but I can’t do it

I need God’s hand

I need His help

To guide me and get me through it

Left up to my own thoughts and mind

It’s finished!

I blew it!

Man is dirty, unclean

That’s why He sent His son, He knew it

I decided not to do bad

But then I do it anyway

My decisions, don’t result in actions

That act out what I think

Something has gone deeply wrong within me

And my sin tab is running

It’s so predictable and happens so regularly

Like watching the stay puft marshmallow man walking down the street

You can see it coming

I truly

Delight in God’s commands

But obviously

Not all of me delights in them equally

More specifically

My minds seems to delight regularly

But my body

Only wants to delight

When I’m in front of someone else’s watchful eye

On Wednesday’s between seven and nine

Bible study

And on Sunday’s between eight and three


I’m crying out desperately

What’s going on inside of me?

I despise my own behavior

Astrologists use the term equinox

To describe the sun setting

Over the equator so that day and night are of the same length

But my SOUL cries out

As my soul equinox

Means that there is a war within me

Between freedom of choice and submitting to you

HELP I’m losing and I don’t know what to do

I don’t know what to do

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